I finally switched from a smart phone to a basic phone; thus kicking all the data/internet options I was carrying all day in my pocket. I feel a lot of freedom now. I know this may sound silly to anyone else, but without that constant availability there I have focused a lot more attention on my son and the other people I care about.  I feel a lot of freedom; waking up and not having the first thought to enter my mind "wonder whats up on the world wide web." I feel disconnected from it now, and thus much more connected with reality. I am really happy with my decision.

Going to work out today for the first time in three days! I really miss working out when the gym is closed for breaks.  I am ready to get back on track for this week. All of my final assignments are due this week, then I will have one more week after that to prepare for finals. I am really going to need the stress relief of working out all the stress and kinks in my system.

Hoping everyone had a good weekend!

I was going to write on here a few times about..well.. just about everything.  But most of the time I would get on here and find out that I have no idea how to put these thoughts and feelings in to words. While Xangaville is kinda-sorta anonymous, I still have reserves talking about the depression I go through.  This is the sorts of shtuff I dont tell anyone about... It hurts not to talk about it, but it hurts a million times worse to talk and find that no one understand a misfit like me.

This might not come out "right" but if I sit here and wait for the right words to come, I may never end up posting again. I have been battling some personal, horrible demons lately. Perhaps this much is obvious; My last post was not exactly as Zen... as they usually are. I keep blaming all of the circumstances around me when, in fact, I truly think it is my fault for having a bad attitude and for letting these things get to me. 

Not to mention I have flat out refused to talk to God about any of this. My number one problem: I have been clenching on to this newfound resentment towards my son's father; which carries over into every other type of relationship in my life; and especially (essentially) ruining the opinion I hold of myself. Over and over and over again.  Oy. What a freaking awful cycle. It has left me literally in emotional wreckage and ruin! This is actually sort of strange, because I have been getting along fine without him, and I have no desire to see him... So Im not sure what is going on with me.

Now here is a fair warning to those who are easily offended: the next part of my post is just me being open and honest; not your "normal Christian thinking." So if you must, turn back now!!!  Anyhoo, a big part of my struggle the past few weeks had been that I have been so incredibly sex deprived - that I am downright, to the max, frustrated. This is usually an area that I am very self-controlled, but recently I just cannot get it out of my head. Which in turn leads me to ignore my spirituality even more.. because seriously, who thinks of God when you cannot get sex off the noggin.. to the point of thinking seriously about getting someone to do the deed just so I can get on with my life?  Im not usually that "type" of girl; I have not even dated in 11 months because I have been patiently waiting for whatever it is I am supposed to be waiting for. But after 11 months... daaannnggg.

So what is a girl to do to pull her sorry pitiful self out of the hole she dug for herself? She does a freaking happy dance and pulls herself out of it by going to the gym, by carefully controlling a balanced and healthy diet, by doing what she needs to do to remove the negative influences in her life. Here are the positive things I need to continue focusing on:

> I have a son that loves me more than anything in the world... and even if I have to fight like hell as a single mother, it is me who will have that relationship with this sweet, hilarious, crazy two year old boy.
> I have lost 10 pounds in the past three months from diet and exercise!
> I have maintained straight A's this semester, with only 2 more weeks before finals!
> No matter how much I blow Him off, I still have V-v-v-v-victory!
> I have a really amazingly awesome family (that loves my son) and a few really fun, supportive friends.

I know, finally, the crazy chick gets off her soap-box and finds something to be thankful for! POW!

I have also decided to live life a little more simply. I am losing the smart phone so I wont have easy access to the net all the time.. and as soon as I purchase a basic phone (which I am still trying to hunt down someone who has one), I am also going to change my number. I will keep you all updated about how this goes.

I will update soon, but supposing I dont update within the next few days... have a very blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave. -- Winnie the Pooh

I leave tomorrow for Springfield. Lets make a note that I have never been away from my son for more than one night. And after tomorrow at 1 p.m. I will not see him for four days!

//Smashing head into pillow and screaming

Good news for you all though, I may have time for some blogging the next few nights. Because I know you guys just ache for my entries. Wish granted ^_^